Off Kilter

     Last week was like an episode in the Twilight Zone or a Study on everything that might go wrong did.  The work environment went to hell. My emotional levels were out of control. My stress level went through the roof.  My runs were hard and unsatisfying. Everything was off kilter, out of balance just like an overloaded washing machine.

       I love my job working in the ICU. I love the challenge, the adrenaline rush, the emotional highs/lows, my coworkers, my patients, their families, support staff and just helping my patient to get back to their life or accepting their death with peace.

      Not so much the last 2 weeks.  For some reason a person in management position has decided that unless you "Yes Ma'am that is a great idea" you are a negative Nancy. Now I am neither negative or positive it is not about half full or half empty. To me it is a glass with liquid which may or may not be wine or piss. I am more into keeping it real.  I mean if nobody is acknowledging the large elephant in the room then nobody is working to get said elephant out of the room and back to where it belongs. An environment of back biting and mealy mouth BS is being fostered and encouraged. I am not the only one to be upset about this change 2 experienced nurses have turned in their notice of resignation and I have put in a transfer request to a different department and submitted my resume to different facilities.  So a job I loved has morphed into an environment of distrust and hostility, which makes me really sad.

     Now the month of October is always hard for me to stay on this side of the abyss of grief.  October was me and my late husbands favorite time of year.  The air has that crisp bite to it, Sooner football is in full swing, deer season opens October 1st, and his birthday was on the 28th.  Other times of the year can be difficult but for different reasons. The anniversary of his passing is hard, our wedding anniversary is hard, holidays are hard but the month of October was special.  In October I just miss him. I miss everything about him the good and the bad.  I miss his smell, his voice, the feel of him next to me, his laugh, and I even miss picking his damn clothes up off the floor. So even when things are coming up roses October is hard and right now there are no roses.

     My running has felt off, runs feel harder than it should.  Paces that I maintained easily 3 weeks ago take more effort and fatigue me more.  I ran 5 miles after work Thursday and it felt like 10.  I ran my 18 on Saturday which was a new distance for me and by mile 16 I was praying for death.  By the time it was over I was completely depleted and I mean I had nothing left. Everything hurt glutes, hamstrings, quads, calves, hip flexors even my arms were tired. I slept 9 hours that night and Sunday with the trainer for strength work he had to dial it back because I was still over fatigued. Thank you Matt for adjusting on the fly.  Which has me worried of how going from 20 to 26.2 is doable.  I have two long runs until the marathon. I have a 14, 20 and then it is taper time until the 23rd which is marathon day.

     Now this reads like a long cry of woe is me but that is not my intention.  This week sucked and my mental/emotional game was off, but something happens on those long slow days of running. When you are out on the rode by yourself with just your thoughts for company for 4 hours a barrier is broken.  Your mind will take you places that generally you will shy away from because it is too painful, to raw or to intense.  Decisions are made, plans are formed, the limits of what you will tolerate are found and echoes of beloved voices whisper in your ear.

     As I grieved the loss of my joy in my job a decision to put my resume out in the universe formed and to let go and see what comes to me. So Thank you LeAnn and Trena for being an example of fearless.

     As I wondered what happened to the fun I had in running, I realized that it is easy to show up when it is fun or easy.  Nate taught me that training for a marathon is hard, it is not fun, it is a job by itself.  Showing up when it hurts, or it is hard, or it is no longer fun is when the real wins occur.  Nate & Brenda thank you for teaching me about showing up when it is hard you can not know how much it helped me get to the end of 18.

     Now Michael, my late husband, used to always tell me not to sell myself short.  I was worth more and deserved more credit than I gave myself.  As I was out on the road his voice whispered in my ear "demand more Michelle and tolerate less."  I take this to mean not to tolerate people causing chaos and taking the joy from my job, life, etc.  Demand more of myself and not to sell myself short, to show up, push harder and play bigger.  As for missing him, well that just doesn't go away it is a part of me now, but sometimes if I let my mind get still enough I can feel him around me, encouraging me, and loving me. So Thank you to Michael and the Lord above for that.

Live Epic!
Michelle