Healing???

        At the beginning of 2015, Brooke challenged us to do her friends Word of the Year worksheet. I did it and came up with the word Healing. Now I knew this was my word, I knew why it was my word and I knew how hard this word was going to be. So I shied away from it, I never declared it openly and publicly. It was too hard, too painful and too scary.

     During my clarity call with Brooke I was complaining about all the injuries that had plagued me this training season. I lamented the passing of attaining the goals I had set for myself.  I told Brooke about my WOTY, how I had ran from it and wondered if the reason injuries kept plaguing me was because I hadn't Healed so My Lord was forcing me to be still and not run.  She agreed the idea had merit and challenged me to not run for a specified period so the body could heal, to think about declaring my word in the Circle and the reasons for this being my word.

     I declared my WOTY in the Circle but I didn't elaborate on why it was my word. I have been procrastinating because I don't want to hear the "I'm sorries", "you poor thing", etc, etc, etc. I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid once I go there into the abyss of grief I may not emerge on the other side. That being said I'm already broken maybe if I lay it all out there, the truth of what happened, the horror, and the heartbreak maybe, just maybe I can Heal.

The story of Us

     I met Michael when I was 16 yo, working in a diner as a summer job. The diner was owned by a company that also had a natural gas construction company. Michael was 22 yo, married with a baby girl and worked for the construction company. I had the biggest crush on him. He would later say he thought I was cute but I was a kid, he worked with my dad and he was married.

      Fast forward 13 years later, I ran into Michael at the local small town watering hole. I'm single, he is single and we still have the hots for each other. That was 7/7/01 and from that day forward unless we were at work we were together. It was a whirlwind courtship. By September we were engaged and on 12/15/01 we said "I Do"! 

     The best thing about Michael and I was we didn't need each other for a damn thing. We just liked being around each other. We used to say we had a terminal illness, a terminal case of the hots for each other  and we could only get temporary relief of the symptoms by: well now that is just TMI! 

     We had good times, great times, bad times and all the other times that happen in life. We loved, fought, played and struggled. The kids visited on our weekends. The kids were from his previous marriage but I said I Do to them when I married him. They are my kids too and still are mine. Michael and I sometimes well a lot of time were so in tune with one another that everybody else was on the outside. We didn't ignore our families and friends, we visited but no matter what we were doing even when apart, we were only half there the rest of us was focused on each other. It sounds obsessive/possessive but it wasn't, it was just us.

     We were not perfect by no means. We both had our own demons, fears and baggage we brought with us. When you love someone with everything you are, you risk much.  When your whole life is based on your loves then you fear anything happening to them. So you have to decide if the the fear of losing them is worse than the fear of living without them. For me the fear of living without Michael in my life was worse. Now Michael had some confidence issues and sometimes his fear of losing me or the kids would get to him. It was the only issue/argument we ever had. Usually it was preceded by something he read, heard or seen such as a car wreck etc.. Theses moments were  brief usually resolved with an argument and make up sex. I used to tell him, he just picked these fights so we could make up! Understand these "fights" by no means were violent, volatile yes but violent never.

     Michael was beautiful, sexy, smart, hot tempered, passionate, stubborn, opinionated and protective. He was fastidious in maintaining our vehicles, the house, our toys, the guns, hunting equipment and anything else that if malfunctioned could injure me or the kids. He was also deaf in one ear from years of unprotected target practice.

     On 7/3/07 Michael and I were spending the evening at home watching movies. We had talked to the kids on the phone about the 4th and them coming to visit that weekend. Our daughter was expecting her first child so naturally we worried about her and the baby's health. Our son earlier that summer had lost his best friend due to a car wreck. We worried about how he was handling it, because at 16 a boy can take a wrong turn. After the phone call we talked about the kids and made plans for the weekend. 

     Now at this time the dogs started barking, we live at the end of a dead end road, so if you come to our house, you meant to or you were lost. We had been having trouble with a new neighbor recently, so when the dogs barked, Michael got the pistol and went outside to see what was going on. It was just an opossum, so he quickly came back in. Now since the kids were coming and the high likelihood of target practice happening Michael decided to check the weapon for proper functioning.

     He unloaded the revolver and placed the bullets on the table. I was sitting across from him as we were still talking and making plans for the weekend. Since Michael was deaf in one ear, he would hold the revolver next to his good ear and work the action on a revolver, to make sure the timing was accurate. If the timing is off when you fire the gun can blow up on your hands/face. Since the kids and I target shot a lot, Michael was fanatical about maintaining the safety of the weapons. 

     When Michael went to work the action on the revolver the gun went off and killed him instantly! One bullet had hung up in the chamber. I watched as the light that was Michael leave his eyes. In an instant he was gone. One second we were talking, flirting and planning the weekend and the next he is gone. A part of me died that night.

     Michael died on 7/3/07, I buried him on the anniversary of our first date on 7/7/07. 

     By 8/10/07 I was working full time and going to school full time. In 5/5/10 I finished my degree in nursing on 7/7/10 I took my nursing boards and received my RN. I started school to stay busy, so I didn't have to think about all I had lost. When I first started working  as a nurse, I worked lots of overtime. In short I ran from the abyss of grief and I haven't stopped running from it yet.

     I know Michael is gone. I buried him, cried over him, missed him and still love him. I don't think I have released my anger at him for leaving me here all alone. My guilt at failing to prevent this horrible accident. My fear that people may believe he did it on purpose. My anger at being stuck on this planet without him. The unfairness of it.  People take each other for granted all the time & do not appreciate what they have. I didn't, I knew I was blessed and thankful that he was mine. Sometimes I wonder if God took him because I loved Michael so damn much! I didn't need anything as long as he was with me. He was my best friend, husband, lover and confidante. 

    I'm not sharing this deeply personal story for sympathy or pity. I have not shared this story with anyone other than my family and a few friends. I'm hoping in sharing this my healing can start. I can start to enjoy the journey instead of trying to outrun the pain.  #livingisharderthandying

Live Epic!
Michelle