Today is the anniversary of my husband's death. Anniversary, is that the right word? Anniversaries are usually meant to measure the passage of time for happy events. I don't know what the right word is, or if there is a right word. I do know that today marks 8 years since he died.
Grief is strange, sometimes you will be busy in your life and someone will mention or ask a question in reference to your late loved one and it is okay, you can handle it. Other times like today, it overwhelms you, surrounds you and drains you. My eyes are leaky, my emotions are raw, I feel like I'm on edge and it just wouldn't take much to tip the balance. I want to walk away go curl up with a blanket in solitude and just be still. I also want to strike out, throw a good fit and leave the mayhem wherever it lands.
Unfortunately I can't do any of those things because I'm at work taking care of patients and trying to keep my tears in. Down the hall a patient died and I can hear the family crying. It reminds me of telling the kids, my parents, his parents, my siblings and his sibling that he is gone. Of trying to hold it together as they fell apart. Trying to comfort them as I was dying inside.
I have no words for the family down the hall, no words can help soothe the suffering. I can't tell them it will get better with time because it won't. Right now they are in shock so it isn't real for them. Later the shock and numbness wear off and the pain comes with daily reminders that he is no longer there.
I would like to tell them that at 8 years out it gets better but it doesn't not really. Oh it is not a hour to hour struggle just to maintain and function, like it is the first year or so. It is a struggle to build a life without him or to want to build a new life. You have to build a new life because that one is dead it is gone. No matter how much you want your life back, it is gone.
You don't just mourn the life that is gone. You mourn everything that life encompassed. 8 years of not hearing his voice or his laugh. 8 years of not feeling his touch or touching him. 8 years of not being annoyed by his socks on the floor. 8 years of having to mow the damn grass and take out trash. 8 years of not smelling his scent on the pillows and on my skin. 8 years of reaching for him in the night and clutching a pillow with a death grip. 8 years of the kids having graduations, marriages and babies born without him. 8 years of not being able to share with him my new goals, challenges, failures and successes. 8 years of without him.
You have to learn to accept a new reality for your life. Adapt to a life you didn't choose and build a life with a new perception or focus. Acclimate to the changes and evolution this loss causes you to have. Realize that although you are now privy to some truths, that your friends and family who haven't lost someone that close, just do not understand.
Rediscover what you like and don't like. Stop comparing everyone to him because it just isn't fair to anyone and especially not for you. Cease the would have, could haves, if onlys and etc. Find what makes you happy. What gives you joy. What gives you peace. Be your own safe place to fall.
I guess you can call it an Anniversary because it is the anniversary of you beginning to redefine who, what, and where you want to go in this new solo shadowed life. Solo because it is just you now but shadowed because he is always with you in your mind, memories and heart.
I love you Michael! I love who we were together. I love the life we created. So until we meet again I am going to try and love this life I am building. Love is Eternal.
Live Epic
Michelle
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Friday, July 3, 2015
Monday, June 29, 2015
Full Moon 5K 6/6/15
After working 20 hours I got home and slept about 3-4 hours. After waking I moved to the living room to my chair and didn't move again unless it was for food, liquids, or the bathroom. To say the least my nutrition, hydration and rest was not even close to good. Originally I had planned on running the Full Moon 5K but had to work so I didn't register for it. After changing days with a coworker I was at least off for the race but I was not rested for it. At 6pm I finally decided to run it as practice and registered for the race.
The race didn't start until 8:30 pm so I went to the grocery store and stock up on some good food. I unloaded the groceries. Changed into some running gear grabbed a water and drove over to the race.
I got to the race and ran into a couple of coworkers, Jessica and Amy. We chatted for a few minutes. Jessica and her daughter were doing the 1 mile fun run so I stayed and cheered them on. When that was over I moved over to a side area to do a warmup, and some drills to open up the hip flexors and loosen the calves. As I finished I seen Nate and Cecilia.
Nate and I discussed my work night aka race readiness and then moved onto goals for the race. The most I was ready to commit to was a respectable time because I had no illusions/delusions of a PR. Nate if I remember was going for 17 or sub 17 or some such crazy number. Nate and Cecilia moved on to meet with some of his other athletes.
I went to pick a good spot in the race lineup towards the back and on the outside edge. Listened to the usual announcements and countdown to the start. Gun goes off and nobody moves. Maybe I went to far to the back. Finally people start moving forward at a slow shuffle. At last we move across the start line. I start running and try to find an open lane away from walkers, dogs, baby strollers etc.
It was hot and humid about 90 degrees and no breeze. The course had 3 turnarounds which is terrible for a 5K course. Mile 1 had the first turnaround at about .2 miles in, I felt ok but kind of heavy and sluggish and the heat was awful. Mile 1 - 10:28.
Mile 2 I seen Nate so I cheered him on. Mile 2 had the token water stop normally I don't stop for a 5K but I actually stopped and walked through so I could get a good drink and of course it had turn #2. Mile 2 - 11:32.
Mile 3 was up and over the river with turn #3 after the turn I met Jessica & Amy. Mile 3 - 11:23. The course was a little long at .21 but it was downhill to the finish. I picked up the pace, seen Nate & Cecilia cheering which helped! Picked up the pace again so I could pass 2 guys before the finish line. Mile .21 - 8:41!
Official time was 35:10 which is not a PR, or a PB or even close to my last PR. That being said I went out on 3 hours sleep, 24 hours of poor nutrition and poor hydration and put down a decent 5K time in 90 degree heat. A year ago I was still run/walking so I will take it and smile about how far I have come.
Oh and Nate finished in FIRST PLACE OVERALL!!!
Live Epic
Michelle
The race didn't start until 8:30 pm so I went to the grocery store and stock up on some good food. I unloaded the groceries. Changed into some running gear grabbed a water and drove over to the race.
I got to the race and ran into a couple of coworkers, Jessica and Amy. We chatted for a few minutes. Jessica and her daughter were doing the 1 mile fun run so I stayed and cheered them on. When that was over I moved over to a side area to do a warmup, and some drills to open up the hip flexors and loosen the calves. As I finished I seen Nate and Cecilia.
Nate and I discussed my work night aka race readiness and then moved onto goals for the race. The most I was ready to commit to was a respectable time because I had no illusions/delusions of a PR. Nate if I remember was going for 17 or sub 17 or some such crazy number. Nate and Cecilia moved on to meet with some of his other athletes.
I went to pick a good spot in the race lineup towards the back and on the outside edge. Listened to the usual announcements and countdown to the start. Gun goes off and nobody moves. Maybe I went to far to the back. Finally people start moving forward at a slow shuffle. At last we move across the start line. I start running and try to find an open lane away from walkers, dogs, baby strollers etc.
It was hot and humid about 90 degrees and no breeze. The course had 3 turnarounds which is terrible for a 5K course. Mile 1 had the first turnaround at about .2 miles in, I felt ok but kind of heavy and sluggish and the heat was awful. Mile 1 - 10:28.
Mile 2 I seen Nate so I cheered him on. Mile 2 had the token water stop normally I don't stop for a 5K but I actually stopped and walked through so I could get a good drink and of course it had turn #2. Mile 2 - 11:32.
Mile 3 was up and over the river with turn #3 after the turn I met Jessica & Amy. Mile 3 - 11:23. The course was a little long at .21 but it was downhill to the finish. I picked up the pace, seen Nate & Cecilia cheering which helped! Picked up the pace again so I could pass 2 guys before the finish line. Mile .21 - 8:41!
Official time was 35:10 which is not a PR, or a PB or even close to my last PR. That being said I went out on 3 hours sleep, 24 hours of poor nutrition and poor hydration and put down a decent 5K time in 90 degree heat. A year ago I was still run/walking so I will take it and smile about how far I have come.
Oh and Nate finished in FIRST PLACE OVERALL!!!
Live Epic
Michelle
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Kentucky Sole Time 4/25/15
I registered for the Kentucky Derby Festival as soon as I found out Trena was one of the ambassadors for the race. I knew a lot of Sole Sister would probably be signing up for it also, which would give me an opportunity to meet some of them. At the time I registered, I was still training for my first marathon, so I only registered for the Half because I did not know if I would want to do another full yet. In hindsight turns out it was a good decision but for other reasons.
In Late December when Nate (run coach) & I met to plan goals for 2015, I told him I really wanted to improve my Half time by a lot, like as close to sub 2 as I could get. With that in mind he devised a plan with a lot of long slow running days. 5 days a week of running, 4 days of which my heart rate was not to get above 135. One day a week for a 3 mile run, I could ignore the heart rate. That plan was to build my aerobic and run base. It worked at the end of 8 weeks I could run at a faster pace with a HR of 135 or less.
So in February a new plan was given to me that was the official training plan for the Kentucky Derby a Half. This plan had long slow runs but sped work days and tempo runs. I was so excited. Week one strained my hip flexor, lateral quad and my TFL. No weight bearing exercise. No running, no swimming & no cycling for 2 weeks. Then I was allowed to add swimming & cycling with pool running.
At 4 weeks the hip was feeling better, so I tried an easy run and immediately the Hip blasted me with pain. At 6 weeks the hip felt better so I tried an easy run and although it didn't hurt as I was running it did hurt for days later. This cycle continued every week up to 10 days before the Kentucky Half. Now at this point I had my phone call from Brook, as we were discussing the injury and my frustration, she made me promise to rest it for the full 10 days until my Half.
I flew on the morning of the 24th. I should have arrived in Kentucky at 3 pm but because of 2 delays I did not arrive till after 6 pm. I was hungry, dehydrated and in a hurry to make it to the expo. I met up with my Sisters of Sole Araminta, Magda, & Jackie for packet pickup, they had already got theirs but they graciously waited as I picked up mine, Trena's (who was also having travel hassles) & a friend of Trena's packet. We met up with Haewon and took some Sole pics and headed to the dinner place.
So dinner was at the Troll House Pub under the Bridge, where we met up with Beth, her husband and sister in law. The waiter was from NOLA and was awesome. So the menu didn't offer a lot of good pre-race options for me. I went with pasta as it looked like the lesser of the evils but on race day I decided I should have chosen different. The company was great. It was so fantastic finally meeting these ladies in person after months of just online contact.
We all called it an early night & headed to the hotels at about 8-9ish. I waited up for Trena to make it on as we were roomies. She made it in about 10ish. We chatted as she rolled her hips. Lights out at 10:30 since wake up was 6 am.
Up at 6 am got my coffee fix with some water, a protein bar, banana, bathroom, dress, brush the chicklets, bathroom, & mix up the UCAN to swig down. Walked to the race start which was just 3 blocks away from the hotel with Magda & Haewon. Dropped Trena off with the fast crowd, then Haewon stopped at her corral, Magda & I continued on to our corral.
I wasn't really feeling well for this race. My stomach felt iffy. I felt dry, like I hadn't hydrated enough which was true. I felt sluggish & heavy despite the cool air. At 7:30 the gun went off & a little later the crowd started moving. Just as I passed the starting line, the first raindrops fell and didn't stop until after the race.
The splits played out like this:
1 - 11:53
2 - 12:42
3 - 11:52
4 - 12:33 port-a-potty break (I paused my watch, idk why because now I don't know my time)
5 - 12:22 hug random stranger giving out free hugs, why not I'm not going to PR today.
6 - 11:48
7 - 11:41
8 - 11:43
9 - 12:08 only hill going up the ramp from under the race track & people stop to walk it. Seriously I have seen steeper wheel Chair ramps.
10 - 11:49
11 - 11:33
12 - 14:33 an emergent Potty stop was necessary! Pasta really isn't my friend!
13 - 10:33 time to finish this
.10 - 7:41 finish line!
Official time of 2:41. Which is not bad considering I had poor nutrition, poor hydration, undertrained due to injury and some potty issues. My first Half took 3:12 when I was run walking, my best Half time is 2:27 when I was trained and healthy. So a 2:41 under not the best circumstances is OK. I still grit my teeth to say that, even though I know not everyone can run a Half marathon without training.
Best thing was meeting some Sisters of Sole for some good conversation, laughs, celebratory drinks! Jackie PR'd, Magda PR'd, Haewon BQ'd, Trena ran 2 marathons in one week! I think Beth's husband PR'd and it kicked off a new training cycle for me with new goals of PR's! I may have to have a rematch Kentucky!
Live Epic
Michelle
In Late December when Nate (run coach) & I met to plan goals for 2015, I told him I really wanted to improve my Half time by a lot, like as close to sub 2 as I could get. With that in mind he devised a plan with a lot of long slow running days. 5 days a week of running, 4 days of which my heart rate was not to get above 135. One day a week for a 3 mile run, I could ignore the heart rate. That plan was to build my aerobic and run base. It worked at the end of 8 weeks I could run at a faster pace with a HR of 135 or less.
So in February a new plan was given to me that was the official training plan for the Kentucky Derby a Half. This plan had long slow runs but sped work days and tempo runs. I was so excited. Week one strained my hip flexor, lateral quad and my TFL. No weight bearing exercise. No running, no swimming & no cycling for 2 weeks. Then I was allowed to add swimming & cycling with pool running.
At 4 weeks the hip was feeling better, so I tried an easy run and immediately the Hip blasted me with pain. At 6 weeks the hip felt better so I tried an easy run and although it didn't hurt as I was running it did hurt for days later. This cycle continued every week up to 10 days before the Kentucky Half. Now at this point I had my phone call from Brook, as we were discussing the injury and my frustration, she made me promise to rest it for the full 10 days until my Half.
I flew on the morning of the 24th. I should have arrived in Kentucky at 3 pm but because of 2 delays I did not arrive till after 6 pm. I was hungry, dehydrated and in a hurry to make it to the expo. I met up with my Sisters of Sole Araminta, Magda, & Jackie for packet pickup, they had already got theirs but they graciously waited as I picked up mine, Trena's (who was also having travel hassles) & a friend of Trena's packet. We met up with Haewon and took some Sole pics and headed to the dinner place.
So dinner was at the Troll House Pub under the Bridge, where we met up with Beth, her husband and sister in law. The waiter was from NOLA and was awesome. So the menu didn't offer a lot of good pre-race options for me. I went with pasta as it looked like the lesser of the evils but on race day I decided I should have chosen different. The company was great. It was so fantastic finally meeting these ladies in person after months of just online contact.
We all called it an early night & headed to the hotels at about 8-9ish. I waited up for Trena to make it on as we were roomies. She made it in about 10ish. We chatted as she rolled her hips. Lights out at 10:30 since wake up was 6 am.
Up at 6 am got my coffee fix with some water, a protein bar, banana, bathroom, dress, brush the chicklets, bathroom, & mix up the UCAN to swig down. Walked to the race start which was just 3 blocks away from the hotel with Magda & Haewon. Dropped Trena off with the fast crowd, then Haewon stopped at her corral, Magda & I continued on to our corral.
I wasn't really feeling well for this race. My stomach felt iffy. I felt dry, like I hadn't hydrated enough which was true. I felt sluggish & heavy despite the cool air. At 7:30 the gun went off & a little later the crowd started moving. Just as I passed the starting line, the first raindrops fell and didn't stop until after the race.
The splits played out like this:
1 - 11:53
2 - 12:42
3 - 11:52
4 - 12:33 port-a-potty break (I paused my watch, idk why because now I don't know my time)
5 - 12:22 hug random stranger giving out free hugs, why not I'm not going to PR today.
6 - 11:48
7 - 11:41
8 - 11:43
9 - 12:08 only hill going up the ramp from under the race track & people stop to walk it. Seriously I have seen steeper wheel Chair ramps.
10 - 11:49
11 - 11:33
12 - 14:33 an emergent Potty stop was necessary! Pasta really isn't my friend!
13 - 10:33 time to finish this
.10 - 7:41 finish line!
Official time of 2:41. Which is not bad considering I had poor nutrition, poor hydration, undertrained due to injury and some potty issues. My first Half took 3:12 when I was run walking, my best Half time is 2:27 when I was trained and healthy. So a 2:41 under not the best circumstances is OK. I still grit my teeth to say that, even though I know not everyone can run a Half marathon without training.
Best thing was meeting some Sisters of Sole for some good conversation, laughs, celebratory drinks! Jackie PR'd, Magda PR'd, Haewon BQ'd, Trena ran 2 marathons in one week! I think Beth's husband PR'd and it kicked off a new training cycle for me with new goals of PR's! I may have to have a rematch Kentucky!
Live Epic
Michelle
Monday, June 8, 2015
Run to the Well Kibo 5K - 3/28/15
I signed up for this race mainly because Gary a member of Life Time Run was apart of it with his Church group. The Kibo group has races as fundraisers to drill fresh water wells in Africa and other undeveloped countries. I thought it would be a good test of how my hip was healing and if I had managed to maintain my fitness.
I got up kind of late but grabbed some coffee a lite breakfast, let the dog out, bathroom, dressed, dog in, bathroom again & out the door to the car. I was running late, like I mean was I going to make it before the gun went off! I'm speeding, passing people and cussing myself all the way there. I find a parking space, grab the bib and pin it on as I'm speed walking across to the start line. I get to the start with 2 minutes to spare! Hah!
The gun goes off and away we go. It is a small race less than 200 people, I think that is counting dogs & baby strollers! I find a pace that feels comfortably hard. My hip feels ok, no pain! Yay!
The first mile I'm breathing okay, nothing hurts but it just feels more difficult than I think it should. I can feel the lack of running over the past few months.
The second mile, I come up on a woman who is a chatty Kathy. No that is not her name but I can't remember it. Normally I don't like to talk when I'm running and especially not in a race. I figure if you are able to talk faster than you are moving then you need to run faster and talk less! Today though I run beside Chatty and let her monologue distract me from how hard the ground is, the effort I'm putting out to maintain this pace and how much I will have to work to get back to where I was before the hip injury.
Now somewhere at the start of mile 3 Chatty moves on pass me to another group to talk to. I concentrate on my breathing, my footfalls, the push off and start doing an inventory of how all the body parts feel. It seems to be getting easier, (I still hate the first 2 miles) my breathing is easy, heart rate is good, hip is pain free. And I feel like it is Go time.
I reach the turn around on the bridge and decide it is all down hill to the finish. I start picking up the pace and start picking off people. As I come off the bridge I pick up the pace again and see Chatty up ahead still talking. I pick it up again and I pass Chatty, I hear her say where did you come from, I tell her come on it is go time, there is the finish. I pick up the pace and sprint across the line. Usually I feel like I am done when I cross the finish line but I was just starting to feel good I felt like I could just keep running. God it felt so good to push hard at the finish.
Well I didn't keep running. I seen Gary at the finish, he gave me a hug and thanked me for coming and we chatted for a few about running and injuries. Good times! Official time was 32:30! Not to bad for breathing easy and not running for more than 8 wks.
The only problem with this whole race is that the Hip started throbbing later that day and continued for weeks. Running this race pushed back my healing another 6 weeks. Bleep, bleep, bleep de bleep bleep!
Live Epic!
Michelle
I got up kind of late but grabbed some coffee a lite breakfast, let the dog out, bathroom, dressed, dog in, bathroom again & out the door to the car. I was running late, like I mean was I going to make it before the gun went off! I'm speeding, passing people and cussing myself all the way there. I find a parking space, grab the bib and pin it on as I'm speed walking across to the start line. I get to the start with 2 minutes to spare! Hah!
The gun goes off and away we go. It is a small race less than 200 people, I think that is counting dogs & baby strollers! I find a pace that feels comfortably hard. My hip feels ok, no pain! Yay!
The first mile I'm breathing okay, nothing hurts but it just feels more difficult than I think it should. I can feel the lack of running over the past few months.
The second mile, I come up on a woman who is a chatty Kathy. No that is not her name but I can't remember it. Normally I don't like to talk when I'm running and especially not in a race. I figure if you are able to talk faster than you are moving then you need to run faster and talk less! Today though I run beside Chatty and let her monologue distract me from how hard the ground is, the effort I'm putting out to maintain this pace and how much I will have to work to get back to where I was before the hip injury.
Now somewhere at the start of mile 3 Chatty moves on pass me to another group to talk to. I concentrate on my breathing, my footfalls, the push off and start doing an inventory of how all the body parts feel. It seems to be getting easier, (I still hate the first 2 miles) my breathing is easy, heart rate is good, hip is pain free. And I feel like it is Go time.
I reach the turn around on the bridge and decide it is all down hill to the finish. I start picking up the pace and start picking off people. As I come off the bridge I pick up the pace again and see Chatty up ahead still talking. I pick it up again and I pass Chatty, I hear her say where did you come from, I tell her come on it is go time, there is the finish. I pick up the pace and sprint across the line. Usually I feel like I am done when I cross the finish line but I was just starting to feel good I felt like I could just keep running. God it felt so good to push hard at the finish.
Well I didn't keep running. I seen Gary at the finish, he gave me a hug and thanked me for coming and we chatted for a few about running and injuries. Good times! Official time was 32:30! Not to bad for breathing easy and not running for more than 8 wks.
The only problem with this whole race is that the Hip started throbbing later that day and continued for weeks. Running this race pushed back my healing another 6 weeks. Bleep, bleep, bleep de bleep bleep!
Live Epic!
Michelle
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Healing???
At the beginning of 2015, Brooke challenged us to do her friends Word of the Year worksheet. I did it and came up with the word Healing. Now I knew this was my word, I knew why it was my word and I knew how hard this word was going to be. So I shied away from it, I never declared it openly and publicly. It was too hard, too painful and too scary.
During my clarity call with Brooke I was complaining about all the injuries that had plagued me this training season. I lamented the passing of attaining the goals I had set for myself. I told Brooke about my WOTY, how I had ran from it and wondered if the reason injuries kept plaguing me was because I hadn't Healed so My Lord was forcing me to be still and not run. She agreed the idea had merit and challenged me to not run for a specified period so the body could heal, to think about declaring my word in the Circle and the reasons for this being my word.
I declared my WOTY in the Circle but I didn't elaborate on why it was my word. I have been procrastinating because I don't want to hear the "I'm sorries", "you poor thing", etc, etc, etc. I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid once I go there into the abyss of grief I may not emerge on the other side. That being said I'm already broken maybe if I lay it all out there, the truth of what happened, the horror, and the heartbreak maybe, just maybe I can Heal.
During my clarity call with Brooke I was complaining about all the injuries that had plagued me this training season. I lamented the passing of attaining the goals I had set for myself. I told Brooke about my WOTY, how I had ran from it and wondered if the reason injuries kept plaguing me was because I hadn't Healed so My Lord was forcing me to be still and not run. She agreed the idea had merit and challenged me to not run for a specified period so the body could heal, to think about declaring my word in the Circle and the reasons for this being my word.
I declared my WOTY in the Circle but I didn't elaborate on why it was my word. I have been procrastinating because I don't want to hear the "I'm sorries", "you poor thing", etc, etc, etc. I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid once I go there into the abyss of grief I may not emerge on the other side. That being said I'm already broken maybe if I lay it all out there, the truth of what happened, the horror, and the heartbreak maybe, just maybe I can Heal.
The story of Us
I met Michael when I was 16 yo, working in a diner as a summer job. The diner was owned by a company that also had a natural gas construction company. Michael was 22 yo, married with a baby girl and worked for the construction company. I had the biggest crush on him. He would later say he thought I was cute but I was a kid, he worked with my dad and he was married.
Fast forward 13 years later, I ran into Michael at the local small town watering hole. I'm single, he is single and we still have the hots for each other. That was 7/7/01 and from that day forward unless we were at work we were together. It was a whirlwind courtship. By September we were engaged and on 12/15/01 we said "I Do"!
The best thing about Michael and I was we didn't need each other for a damn thing. We just liked being around each other. We used to say we had a terminal illness, a terminal case of the hots for each other and we could only get temporary relief of the symptoms by: well now that is just TMI!
We had good times, great times, bad times and all the other times that happen in life. We loved, fought, played and struggled. The kids visited on our weekends. The kids were from his previous marriage but I said I Do to them when I married him. They are my kids too and still are mine. Michael and I sometimes well a lot of time were so in tune with one another that everybody else was on the outside. We didn't ignore our families and friends, we visited but no matter what we were doing even when apart, we were only half there the rest of us was focused on each other. It sounds obsessive/possessive but it wasn't, it was just us.
We were not perfect by no means. We both had our own demons, fears and baggage we brought with us. When you love someone with everything you are, you risk much. When your whole life is based on your loves then you fear anything happening to them. So you have to decide if the the fear of losing them is worse than the fear of living without them. For me the fear of living without Michael in my life was worse. Now Michael had some confidence issues and sometimes his fear of losing me or the kids would get to him. It was the only issue/argument we ever had. Usually it was preceded by something he read, heard or seen such as a car wreck etc.. Theses moments were brief usually resolved with an argument and make up sex. I used to tell him, he just picked these fights so we could make up! Understand these "fights" by no means were violent, volatile yes but violent never.
Michael was beautiful, sexy, smart, hot tempered, passionate, stubborn, opinionated and protective. He was fastidious in maintaining our vehicles, the house, our toys, the guns, hunting equipment and anything else that if malfunctioned could injure me or the kids. He was also deaf in one ear from years of unprotected target practice.
On 7/3/07 Michael and I were spending the evening at home watching movies. We had talked to the kids on the phone about the 4th and them coming to visit that weekend. Our daughter was expecting her first child so naturally we worried about her and the baby's health. Our son earlier that summer had lost his best friend due to a car wreck. We worried about how he was handling it, because at 16 a boy can take a wrong turn. After the phone call we talked about the kids and made plans for the weekend.
Now at this time the dogs started barking, we live at the end of a dead end road, so if you come to our house, you meant to or you were lost. We had been having trouble with a new neighbor recently, so when the dogs barked, Michael got the pistol and went outside to see what was going on. It was just an opossum, so he quickly came back in. Now since the kids were coming and the high likelihood of target practice happening Michael decided to check the weapon for proper functioning.
He unloaded the revolver and placed the bullets on the table. I was sitting across from him as we were still talking and making plans for the weekend. Since Michael was deaf in one ear, he would hold the revolver next to his good ear and work the action on a revolver, to make sure the timing was accurate. If the timing is off when you fire the gun can blow up on your hands/face. Since the kids and I target shot a lot, Michael was fanatical about maintaining the safety of the weapons.
When Michael went to work the action on the revolver the gun went off and killed him instantly! One bullet had hung up in the chamber. I watched as the light that was Michael leave his eyes. In an instant he was gone. One second we were talking, flirting and planning the weekend and the next he is gone. A part of me died that night.
Michael died on 7/3/07, I buried him on the anniversary of our first date on 7/7/07.
By 8/10/07 I was working full time and going to school full time. In 5/5/10 I finished my degree in nursing on 7/7/10 I took my nursing boards and received my RN. I started school to stay busy, so I didn't have to think about all I had lost. When I first started working as a nurse, I worked lots of overtime. In short I ran from the abyss of grief and I haven't stopped running from it yet.
I know Michael is gone. I buried him, cried over him, missed him and still love him. I don't think I have released my anger at him for leaving me here all alone. My guilt at failing to prevent this horrible accident. My fear that people may believe he did it on purpose. My anger at being stuck on this planet without him. The unfairness of it. People take each other for granted all the time & do not appreciate what they have. I didn't, I knew I was blessed and thankful that he was mine. Sometimes I wonder if God took him because I loved Michael so damn much! I didn't need anything as long as he was with me. He was my best friend, husband, lover and confidante.
I'm not sharing this deeply personal story for sympathy or pity. I have not shared this story with anyone other than my family and a few friends. I'm hoping in sharing this my healing can start. I can start to enjoy the journey instead of trying to outrun the pain. #livingisharderthandying
Live Epic!
Michelle
Live Epic!
Michelle
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Texas TRI- EM
So on March 14th I got up at 4 am, finished packing, loaded the bike, the car and the dog and headed 2 hours southeast to my sisters to leave my dog Kizzie for a week. Left Wilburton and headed to Fort Worth to meet my Sole sista Tammy,
When I arrived, after hugs, and a bathroom break we loaded up in her jeep for packet pickup. We located the packets, received the ugliest Shirt/jacket, super cute St Paddy socks and bought us bib belt for the Sprint Triathlon
. Then it was next door for some Latino food. I say this because it offered, Peruvian, Brazilian and El Salvador specialties.
After a late lunch it was back to Tammy's for utube videos of transition set up. Then practicing laying our stuff on a towel in a way that seemed logical. We visited over a healthy dinner of roasted chicken, broccoli and some of the best coffee I have had. I got to check into getting one of those cold presses!
Early morning wake up at 4:30 am. Bathroom, coffee, breakfast of boiled eggs, English muffin with peanut butter. Packed our go bags, loaded the bikes and it was off to Keller Natatorium. We lined up for marking and to get into the transition area. Now I think it is just plain BS that they mark you in large numbers with a black marker; your bib number and your age at the end of the year! My birthday is not until December 29th which is when I will be 24! There is no reason to mark that number on my skin now, that is a long time from now. That is just plain hateful.
Now I set up in the transition area, then I rearrange it, then arrange it another way and then back to the original way. It doesn't matter in hindsight because I really had no clue as to what the hell I was doing! Into the Natatorium for the bathroom and pre-race meeting instructions. No diving, a swimmer goes in the water every 5-7 seconds until all 600 participants are in. Oh hell we are going to be here a while might as well get comfortable, since I was #575. Before the race started Ben found me and we wished each other well. One of my friends asked him what he expected to finish in -- sub 58 minutes! Ben do you mean for all 3 events? Well yes. Hell you will be finished before I even get in the water! Probably! Ugh!
Now 2 hours later, I am about 30 people away from getting in the water, here comes Ben. He is all nice and dry, finished with his race and ready to head back to Oklahoma! His friend takes a pic of us. Let me tell you I do not rock a tri suit and a swim cap! Ben finished in 57:20 minutes and placed 3rd overall! I'm very happy and proud of him but I would be lying if I didn't admit to wanting to push him in the pool. js
Now I am fighting with my new watch, I don't know if I should put it in Triathlon mode since it is a pool swim or just put it in pool swim mode. Unfortunately I didn't decide in time so no mode got chosen because the pool police was yelling at me to go! Splash into the water! Stroke, kick, stroke, breathe and repeat. Look around am I at the wall yet? Hell no I'm not even 25 meters in to this 50 meter lane. I pass a few dog paddlers. Start to tire and revert to my old bad form. Reach the wall take a breather, regroup and start again. I did this at the end of every lane till I reached the ladder after 300 meters.
Swim 9:46.5
Run to the bike, shit don't fall on the wet floor, damn I am cold! Shirt, food, socks, forget socks, shoes, helmet, bib belt, and bike. Let me say running in clip-in shoes pushing a bike to the mount line is stretching the definition of running. Mount up, clip in and take off!
T1 3:21:3
Now on the bike, wet, COLD, hungry and thirsty. I'm performing a circus quality contortionist act to get a drink of water, eat a protein bar and ride the bike. The course is 2 six mile loops totaling 12.6 miles. The description said a couple of Texas Hill to keep it challenging. Surprise! They lied! It was all big rolling hills! I got through that first loop and some teenager is holding a sign that reads loop 2 and it was the same path I just did, I seriously thought about running him over! Somewhere on loop 2 I lost my garmin vivofit .
Bike 52:16:3
Now dismount before the dismount line and run to other side of transition area to hang bike, change shoes, and leave helmet. Still no socks but I grabbed the sport beans!
T2 2:16:3
Run to the train. I lost my legs they must still be on the bike. All I have are these 500 pound weights dragging behind me. My hip starts hurting, so I decide it will be a walk/run 5K. Damn it! I'm getting passed by people I know I can out run if it wasn't for my hip. I have to say every person I met on the trail had encouraging words. Every single one said something positive. I don't know if it was because no earbuds, phones or music devices were not allowed or what. It was very nice though. I pass on the water. I make it to the turn around. After I go back through the water stop I meet some guys doing race support work and they tell me I should pick off the lady in front of me. I try to tell them I am rehabbing an injury but they are not listening. I really wanted to let go and pick off some people but the hip was screaming at me so I played nice. Nice sucks!
Run 41:23:8
Total time 1:49:04:3
I didn't even place in the middle of the pack. More like the bottom of the pack. I wasn't last. So I will take this as a learning experience. Improve my swim, work on my saddle time and let the hip heal. Practice transition set up and transitions. I have a lot of work to do before Boulder in June!
During the race I was thinking why am I doing this? It is like a competition for being a jack of all trades but a master of none. As the race continued my thinking changed, I may not master any one part but I endured all of it. The more I endured the more my confidence grew in my fitness level.. I felt pretty BADASS when I crossed that finish line.
Oh yeah there are more tri's in my future!
Live Epic
Michelle
When I arrived, after hugs, and a bathroom break we loaded up in her jeep for packet pickup. We located the packets, received the ugliest Shirt/jacket, super cute St Paddy socks and bought us bib belt for the Sprint Triathlon
. Then it was next door for some Latino food. I say this because it offered, Peruvian, Brazilian and El Salvador specialties.
After a late lunch it was back to Tammy's for utube videos of transition set up. Then practicing laying our stuff on a towel in a way that seemed logical. We visited over a healthy dinner of roasted chicken, broccoli and some of the best coffee I have had. I got to check into getting one of those cold presses!
Early morning wake up at 4:30 am. Bathroom, coffee, breakfast of boiled eggs, English muffin with peanut butter. Packed our go bags, loaded the bikes and it was off to Keller Natatorium. We lined up for marking and to get into the transition area. Now I think it is just plain BS that they mark you in large numbers with a black marker; your bib number and your age at the end of the year! My birthday is not until December 29th which is when I will be 24! There is no reason to mark that number on my skin now, that is a long time from now. That is just plain hateful.
Now I set up in the transition area, then I rearrange it, then arrange it another way and then back to the original way. It doesn't matter in hindsight because I really had no clue as to what the hell I was doing! Into the Natatorium for the bathroom and pre-race meeting instructions. No diving, a swimmer goes in the water every 5-7 seconds until all 600 participants are in. Oh hell we are going to be here a while might as well get comfortable, since I was #575. Before the race started Ben found me and we wished each other well. One of my friends asked him what he expected to finish in -- sub 58 minutes! Ben do you mean for all 3 events? Well yes. Hell you will be finished before I even get in the water! Probably! Ugh!
Now 2 hours later, I am about 30 people away from getting in the water, here comes Ben. He is all nice and dry, finished with his race and ready to head back to Oklahoma! His friend takes a pic of us. Let me tell you I do not rock a tri suit and a swim cap! Ben finished in 57:20 minutes and placed 3rd overall! I'm very happy and proud of him but I would be lying if I didn't admit to wanting to push him in the pool. js
Now I am fighting with my new watch, I don't know if I should put it in Triathlon mode since it is a pool swim or just put it in pool swim mode. Unfortunately I didn't decide in time so no mode got chosen because the pool police was yelling at me to go! Splash into the water! Stroke, kick, stroke, breathe and repeat. Look around am I at the wall yet? Hell no I'm not even 25 meters in to this 50 meter lane. I pass a few dog paddlers. Start to tire and revert to my old bad form. Reach the wall take a breather, regroup and start again. I did this at the end of every lane till I reached the ladder after 300 meters.
Swim 9:46.5
Run to the bike, shit don't fall on the wet floor, damn I am cold! Shirt, food, socks, forget socks, shoes, helmet, bib belt, and bike. Let me say running in clip-in shoes pushing a bike to the mount line is stretching the definition of running. Mount up, clip in and take off!
T1 3:21:3
Now on the bike, wet, COLD, hungry and thirsty. I'm performing a circus quality contortionist act to get a drink of water, eat a protein bar and ride the bike. The course is 2 six mile loops totaling 12.6 miles. The description said a couple of Texas Hill to keep it challenging. Surprise! They lied! It was all big rolling hills! I got through that first loop and some teenager is holding a sign that reads loop 2 and it was the same path I just did, I seriously thought about running him over! Somewhere on loop 2 I lost my garmin vivofit .
Bike 52:16:3
Now dismount before the dismount line and run to other side of transition area to hang bike, change shoes, and leave helmet. Still no socks but I grabbed the sport beans!
T2 2:16:3
Run to the train. I lost my legs they must still be on the bike. All I have are these 500 pound weights dragging behind me. My hip starts hurting, so I decide it will be a walk/run 5K. Damn it! I'm getting passed by people I know I can out run if it wasn't for my hip. I have to say every person I met on the trail had encouraging words. Every single one said something positive. I don't know if it was because no earbuds, phones or music devices were not allowed or what. It was very nice though. I pass on the water. I make it to the turn around. After I go back through the water stop I meet some guys doing race support work and they tell me I should pick off the lady in front of me. I try to tell them I am rehabbing an injury but they are not listening. I really wanted to let go and pick off some people but the hip was screaming at me so I played nice. Nice sucks!
Run 41:23:8
Total time 1:49:04:3
I didn't even place in the middle of the pack. More like the bottom of the pack. I wasn't last. So I will take this as a learning experience. Improve my swim, work on my saddle time and let the hip heal. Practice transition set up and transitions. I have a lot of work to do before Boulder in June!
During the race I was thinking why am I doing this? It is like a competition for being a jack of all trades but a master of none. As the race continued my thinking changed, I may not master any one part but I endured all of it. The more I endured the more my confidence grew in my fitness level.. I felt pretty BADASS when I crossed that finish line.
Oh yeah there are more tri's in my future!
Live Epic
Michelle
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Temper Tantrums & 5 Miles.
So on Monday I was scheduled to run 7 miles. The plan was to go meet the trainer for strength training. Run my 7 miles then return to the facility to get in a little pool time. As I was packing my bag, I noticed my Garmin had not charged from Sunday's long run of 19 miles. So I checked all the connections and put the watch back on the charger. Decided to meet the trainer and return home to get in my 7 miler and nix the swim time.
On return from the fitness facility I check the Garmin and surprise, surprise, surprise it still was not charging. Damn it! Rechecked the connections and was going to let it charge just enough to get my run in. By 9:30 pm the watch still would not charge. Decision was to do 5 miles in the morning and 5 miles after work to make up the 7 from Monday and the 3 for Tuesday. So I put the Garmin to charge to a wall charger to see if that would make a difference. Yay! Hip Hip Hooray it is charging!
So in the morning at 3:45 am the alarm went off and I evidently reverted to my toddler years mentality. I literally kicked the bed, hit snooze, cursed and said out loud I don't wanna! Hit snooze again. Cursed some more and got out of bed stomping my feet, cursing, slamming doors. Let the dog out, made coffee, went to the bathroom, sat in bed with coffee and thought of all reasons why I should can this run. I'm tired, it is to cold, it is to early and it is not fair. Why should I have to get up at 4 stupid o'clock in the morning to go run in the cold. It is not fair and nobody else has to do this. That's it F' it I am not doing it. Reset the alarm, turned out the lights and pulled the covers over my head!
Damn It I Can Not Go Back To Sleep! Kick the covers off and get out of bed cursing, stomping and slamming doors. I guess I will go run! Put on my clothes, go outside, slam the door, lock it, curse some more and take off.
For the first mile literally I am cursing, kicking rocks and really just stomping my feet running! Sometime after the first mile I start to settle down. In mile 2 I start to notice the crispness in the still cold morning and how refreshing it is. In mile 3 I notice the quiet and the full moon going down over the downtown skyline. By mile 4, I am glad I got out and did my run. By mile 5 I am grateful that I can run and give my Thanks and Praise to my Father in Heaven for blessing me with the ability to run.
So every once in a while I guess I do a really good imitation of a teenager in the midst of a temper tantrum screaming about the unfairness of life. Then I go outside and do the miles. My mind clears, my stress abates, the beauty of my surroundings invades, peace seeps in and gratitude rises to the surface.
Show up, do your best and be grateful for the ability. I am always better for putting in the time. I will strive to remember this the next time adolescent Michelle shows up.
Live Epic!
Michelle
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