Successful Failures

     This past week has been a little different. Tuesday I met with my run club for a 5 mile slow run. The run felt great although it was probably faster than the run coach wanted. Wednesday I got 10 miles in, an interview done and a strength session with the trainer.

     Now my 10 miler that morning was not pretty my calf hurt the whole time. I never got to the zen state the entire thing was, oh my is this ever going to be over. Since I was having some left calf pain and tightness, Matt did some great soft tissue work on my leg.  I did his designed strength session and he bent my ear on fueling, hydrating and resting.   

     At this point Nate the run coach comes hobbling in like an 80 yo man. Matt asks Nate if he thinks I am over-training! Nate replies that it is cumulative fatigue which is part and parcel of marathon training. But also to use my judgement if it hurts to the point it is affecting my run form/gait then ditch the run and recover the injury. Nate is in full recovery mode and will heal but I bet he won't run for any significant time in new shoes. 

     So I decide to actively rest my leg for Saturdays race and ditch Thursday 5 miles for a hour session with my nemesis the foam roller and a walk. Friday was a scheduled rest day. Thanks Trena, for letting me bend your ear about my fears of fatigue, failure and going from 20 to 26.2.

     Saturday I have 14 long slow miles on schedule but it is a 15K race day. What to do? Do I run at training pace then do 5 more after the race to make 14 or do I run at race pace and trade intensity for volume? Well Hell  it is Race Day and Intensity wins! I did slow run the mile to the race and I walked the mile back home after the race to make 11.

     I line up way behind the last pace group. A friend ask what's my goal pace? I looked at her blankly and said uh anything under 2. Mainly because I hadn't thought about it since my mind has been focused on all things marathon not these training races.

     The gun fires and I keep telling myself start slow and build to the finish. Great concept harder to do especially when the legs feel good.  

The splits were as follows:

1 - 11:34 slow down

2 - 11:49 maintain

3 - 10:46 having fun attacking downhills

4 - 10:57 more fun high 5 members of run club

5 - 10:53 picking off people 

6 - 11:01 steady

7 - 11:02 steady

8 - 12:03 the sun, hot, feet tired, legs tired

9 - 13:04 the ones I passed are coming back for me

.3 - sprint to finish 

  Official time was 1:46:40.   Was it a PR? Yes.  Was an average pace of 11:45 good for me hell yes! Did I finish strong, upright with a smile on? Yes. So why do I feel blah, it was okay,  not particularly great about it?

     Races involve more than the physical endurance to maintain a run for a long time, they involve more than the aerobic capacity to run fast, they should have a strategy to do your best on that day with those circumstances, and under those conditions. That was my problem. I didn't execute my strategy appropriately. I should have held myself to a slower pace for 2 more miles and then picked up the pace with each mile getting faster than the last. It is more than just wanting negative splits, had I executed better, my overall time would have been better more than likely under 1:45! The people I passed would not have come back to pass me which would have made my overall place better. The last 2 miles would have felt strong and not like I was just hanging on to the finish.

     Some of you will say you finished that is good enough. Some will say you placed 2,988 out of 9,000 people overall, what you might have placed 2,985. What is the difference?  Some will say 1:44-1:46 it is a minute what's the big deal, you got your medal! 

     The difference is I know that I could have done better! I could have finished faster! I could have placed higher! I could have passed people to be waiting at the finish line to cheer them on! So I classify this as a successful failure. Meaning that I tried my best physically, but I failed at the mental game but I damn well learned from it! 

Live Epic!

Michelle

  

Off Kilter

     Last week was like an episode in the Twilight Zone or a Study on everything that might go wrong did.  The work environment went to hell. My emotional levels were out of control. My stress level went through the roof.  My runs were hard and unsatisfying. Everything was off kilter, out of balance just like an overloaded washing machine.

       I love my job working in the ICU. I love the challenge, the adrenaline rush, the emotional highs/lows, my coworkers, my patients, their families, support staff and just helping my patient to get back to their life or accepting their death with peace.

      Not so much the last 2 weeks.  For some reason a person in management position has decided that unless you "Yes Ma'am that is a great idea" you are a negative Nancy. Now I am neither negative or positive it is not about half full or half empty. To me it is a glass with liquid which may or may not be wine or piss. I am more into keeping it real.  I mean if nobody is acknowledging the large elephant in the room then nobody is working to get said elephant out of the room and back to where it belongs. An environment of back biting and mealy mouth BS is being fostered and encouraged. I am not the only one to be upset about this change 2 experienced nurses have turned in their notice of resignation and I have put in a transfer request to a different department and submitted my resume to different facilities.  So a job I loved has morphed into an environment of distrust and hostility, which makes me really sad.

     Now the month of October is always hard for me to stay on this side of the abyss of grief.  October was me and my late husbands favorite time of year.  The air has that crisp bite to it, Sooner football is in full swing, deer season opens October 1st, and his birthday was on the 28th.  Other times of the year can be difficult but for different reasons. The anniversary of his passing is hard, our wedding anniversary is hard, holidays are hard but the month of October was special.  In October I just miss him. I miss everything about him the good and the bad.  I miss his smell, his voice, the feel of him next to me, his laugh, and I even miss picking his damn clothes up off the floor. So even when things are coming up roses October is hard and right now there are no roses.

     My running has felt off, runs feel harder than it should.  Paces that I maintained easily 3 weeks ago take more effort and fatigue me more.  I ran 5 miles after work Thursday and it felt like 10.  I ran my 18 on Saturday which was a new distance for me and by mile 16 I was praying for death.  By the time it was over I was completely depleted and I mean I had nothing left. Everything hurt glutes, hamstrings, quads, calves, hip flexors even my arms were tired. I slept 9 hours that night and Sunday with the trainer for strength work he had to dial it back because I was still over fatigued. Thank you Matt for adjusting on the fly.  Which has me worried of how going from 20 to 26.2 is doable.  I have two long runs until the marathon. I have a 14, 20 and then it is taper time until the 23rd which is marathon day.

     Now this reads like a long cry of woe is me but that is not my intention.  This week sucked and my mental/emotional game was off, but something happens on those long slow days of running. When you are out on the rode by yourself with just your thoughts for company for 4 hours a barrier is broken.  Your mind will take you places that generally you will shy away from because it is too painful, to raw or to intense.  Decisions are made, plans are formed, the limits of what you will tolerate are found and echoes of beloved voices whisper in your ear.

     As I grieved the loss of my joy in my job a decision to put my resume out in the universe formed and to let go and see what comes to me. So Thank you LeAnn and Trena for being an example of fearless.

     As I wondered what happened to the fun I had in running, I realized that it is easy to show up when it is fun or easy.  Nate taught me that training for a marathon is hard, it is not fun, it is a job by itself.  Showing up when it hurts, or it is hard, or it is no longer fun is when the real wins occur.  Nate & Brenda thank you for teaching me about showing up when it is hard you can not know how much it helped me get to the end of 18.

     Now Michael, my late husband, used to always tell me not to sell myself short.  I was worth more and deserved more credit than I gave myself.  As I was out on the road his voice whispered in my ear "demand more Michelle and tolerate less."  I take this to mean not to tolerate people causing chaos and taking the joy from my job, life, etc.  Demand more of myself and not to sell myself short, to show up, push harder and play bigger.  As for missing him, well that just doesn't go away it is a part of me now, but sometimes if I let my mind get still enough I can feel him around me, encouraging me, and loving me. So Thank you to Michael and the Lord above for that.

Live Epic!
Michelle

Me, Myself, My Race and Her Pace? WTH!

     Last week was mostly unremarkable, no races, no PR's, no leaps of fearlessness and nobody gave me the magic formula for running 2 minutes a mile faster than I currently run now. Dang it! I ran with run club and had a good quality run on Tuesday, had a 8 mile mid-week run that I tripped over a speed bump in the sidewalk, Thursday I did a tempo run on a trail in the dark with my run group. That was a new experience, note to self buy a headlamp! I practiced my swimming on my own and I think it is improving.  My trainer Matt was on his honeymoon so I trained one day with my run coach Nate. That was fun because we dished the strength sessions and worked on run mechanics, form, cadence, and speed. The other day I trained with Ben the Tri coach and we followed the schedule. He noticed my gimpy left calf and reminded  me of a stretch to get deeper into the calf muscles and he worked on my angry peroneal tendons. As I mentioned not anything great happened just doing the work.

    Now Saturday I had my long, slow run on the schedule for 16 miles. I woke up early and could not get motivated. Not one part of me wanted to go outside a run for almost 4 hours. My run group was meeting at 6 am to run together but I knew not to run with them because I would try to keep their pace and not mine. I finally forced myself out the door about 10:30 am after eating a late breakfast.

     Miles 1-2 sucked no other word for it. My left calf hurt which was compromising my form I went super slow like 14:30's to warm it up and then stretched it which seemed to help.  After that I just coasted along  in the 13:30's average for the rest of the run. My breathing was good, my heart was beating along easy and my leg wasn't hurting at all. I ran up Turkey mountain, which isn't a mountain but it is a 200 ft elevation increase that is straight up at about mile 10, no problem. I coasted back down to the flat land and finished my 16.2 miles. Why the point 2 added on because I wanted to know how I would feel and think about having 10 more to do on race day. I didn't want to run another step. I could have run more but I didn't want to. My mind was numb, my legs were heavy, my feet were tired. It took 3:37:52 to do those 16 miles which means at that pace marathon time is about 5:49:30. I am 2.5 mile walk from home with a lot on my mind.

     Everybody says for your first marathon your only goal should be to finish on your feet and with a smile if possible. Everyone will tell you this, new marathon finishers, seasoned marathon finisher's, trainers, coaches, elites and famous trainers. All say the same thing: 1st marathon goal = just finish! Even I tell people that should be their only goal but now what I tell myself is something different. I tell myself yes I will finish and I want to finish under this time! It doesn't matter that I have not even been running a year yet, it doesn't matter that I just quit smoking a little over 3 months ago for good, it doesn't matter that I weigh in the 190's on a 5'3 frame. I will run a marathon, I will finish upright in a time less than someone who has been running for years at a 130 pounds and never smoked. These are the expectations I set for myself. Arrogant maybe, practical probably not, but the standards I hold myself to are higher than I expect from others.

     So on the walk home I ponder this, is my goal attainable, is it feasible, can I accept a different outcome? Is my first marathon experience going to be tarnished because I didn't finish in the time I wanted. That truthfully was picked because someone else set this goal and I wanted to compete. This person doesn't even know I am competing against them. This person has ran longer, run more races, never smoked and weighs 50 pounds less than I do. Yet I want to run my marathon in her time. That is the clincher My Marathon Her Time. That statement is asinine. It is My Marathon, My Time, My Experience, it is Mine!

     I don't know if I will finish my marathon in the time I chose probably not. I do know that I will do the training, the cross training, recovery, nutrition, hydration and foam rolling I need to do in order to finish.  I will put in all the unremarkable day in and day out training it takes to have the best marathon finish I can attain on that day under those circumstances with my life experiences. After all it is My Race!

Be Epic!
Michelle

   

   

Slow twitch or Nervous tic

     Last week was was all about nerves. Sunday I took a 32 mile bike ride and went to a run recovery workout at lifetime. That was really pretty great.  I worked Monday Wednesday and Friday which is an odd schedule for me. Tuesday  & Thursday I worked out with Matt my trainer, who does corrective excercises, soft tissue work (I may love this most about him) and strength training. I also had a really good tempo run with my run club Tuesday evening. Thursday is where everything started getting my anxiety levels rising!

     Thursday early morning I met with Nate the run trainer. He has decided to change the way we train. Instead of going with my heart rate zones we are going by pace. His thoughts are my heart rate monitor is unreliable indicator for me and since he has a fresh 5K time that is what we will go with. Hmmmmm well ok, how does this work? So he decides that an 11:20 pace is my threshold pace and then proceeds to breakdown a zone 1, 2, 3, & 4 from this threshold pace. Ok. So here it is:
Zone 1 - 20:00 - 14:37
Zone 2 -14:36 - 12:55
Zone 3 - 12:54 - 12:00
Zone 4 - 12:59 - 11:20
Zone 5 - 11:19 - 10:58
     Tuesdays are your tempo runs and everything else should fall in zones 1 & 2. This will develop slow twitch muscle fibers allowing you to run longer at a faster pace. Uhm, I already have a lot of slow twitch muscle fiber because I am already slow as  shit.  Trust me Michelle, your runs should be easy! It is about time on your feet. How am I going to build endurance at faster paces if I don't work at it. Michelle you need to train your body to use fat stores as fuel instead of glycogen and to rid the muscles of lactic acid. It will help you keep fatigue at bay and run faster for longer periods! By now my eyes are rolling and I am pretty sure Nate has developed a facial tic. Fine Nate, I will try it.

     Later on Thursday I met with Ben the triathlon coach I have hired for  some private sessions to work on swimming. Let me tell you an hour in the pool can drag by!  Face in the water, blow out through your mouth, stare at the black line on the bottom of the pool, left, right,left, breathe, face back down! Swimming was so easy as a kid, idk when it became so complicated. Now Ben is nice and patient but I am inpatient and overly critical.  According to Ben it takes 10,000 perfect repetitions to master something. I think in the one hour session I may have managed 5 perfect ones, so only 9,995 to go. Now I have a facial tic.

    Now some genius decided to post 60 days until my marathon. Thanks for that I may need to vomit now.  I already was nervous about the 15 mile training run on my schedule for Saturday. Especially since Nate wants it slow and now I'm going to be running all day to get it done. Let's see 15 X 14 = 210 minutes or 3 hours & 30 minutes.  Luckily for me I had the Susan Komen 5K on track for Saturday so for 3 of my 15 I got to do at race pace 34:24. The other 12 miles took 2:44. For a total of 3:18:23 running. The last 2 miles my legs were dead. I had plenty of breath and my heart was calm but my legs were tired. I came home and did yoga, a Myrtl routine and foam rolled for about 1.5 hours. I ate, slept, ate and slept.

     Whether it is changing you run training, or swimming form, or just trying something new takes courage, faith and determination. Courage to try it, faith to believe you can, and determination to know you will succeed or drown trying. Sometimes nerves show as a twitch, other times it is a tic and other times you may feel,the need to hurl. So just breath through it until the nerves relax. A friend of mine told me it's 20 seconds till it passes.  Thanks for that Brook I can manage anything for 20 seconds!

Be Epic
Michelle
   

   

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

   Well Monday started this week off as a strength training day with the trainer and gearing up for double races on Saturday. Tuesday was social run of 3 miles and talking all things marathon with my run coach. We started off at a 11:00 pace which is quick for me and him telling me to imagine keeping this pace for 26.2. Thanks Nate for bringing reality home for me (not)!  Then we parted each settling in to our own pace. I finished my 3 miles with a 11:19 pace! Take that Nate! 
     Wednesday brought my 7 miler up and instead of getting out early & knocking it out I lazed about till time for strength training with Matt. Then had to come home and do my 7 miles in 150% humidity & 90 degrees. Most miserable 7 miles ever! My left interior calf ached my right hip flexor was killing me on the hills and of course I chose a hilly route. My pace was in the 13's and the splits were terrible. The effort I was feeling should have put my pace in the 10's! I finished barely, cooled down, stretched, rolled, iced, rolled, iced and wore compression sleeves to bed. 
     In the morning on Thursday I had 4 on the schedule I attempted it made a block and called it due to horrible left calf pain. Put on compression socks and went to work with a feeling of doom swelling in regards to the double races coming up on Saturday. Thursday became an unplanned rest day. Friday I cycled for 10 miles to actively rest my legs, foam rolled, took ibuprofen, wore compression sleeves to bed and prayed for healthy legs in the morning.
     Saturday morning I woke early drank coffee, took care of bathroom business, dressed and made my way to the start line. I didn't fuel before the race because the rising feeling of doom about my leg and hateful hussy voice was in full swing! I also chose not to fuel due to listening to a podcast that said to practice running on empty to mimic the last stages of a marathon and when you are training for something you have never done before you will try anything. Oh you mean if I stand on one foot wear a tutu, hold my breath, hum The Battle Hymn of the Republic and do squats I will finish my marathon! Of course I will do it! js
     At 7:30 am the gun went off for the 5K my leg was achy but loosened up after the first mile. Then I just felt good. My pace was faster than I typically run so I eased up, but that didn't groove well so I picked it up and went with feels good. I took a page from Trena and started picking people off.  Me the short fat girl who used to smoke is picking people off & singing to the music in my ear and shaking the cops hands along the route. I finished my 3rd official 5K in 34:49 my last 5K in January was 39:48. That is a 5 minute PR!
    So the Quarter Marathon (6.55 miles) is due to start at 8:30 am which means I have about 25 minutes to kill. I was worried the wait would cause my left calf to tighten up and start hurting. Hateful hussy is at it again. So I do some active stretching and cheer on the remaining run/walkers coming in. I remember last October when I did my first 5K and it took me over 45 minutes to finish. So I cheered loudest for those it took the longest and it shut up the hussy.
     The gun bangs and we are off. The leg feels decent and I found a cruising pace. Mile 1-2 was about long gradual hills, mile 3-5 was downhill, flatlands and concrete of which I am not a fan. Mile 5-6:55 was a long hill, corner, steep brutal uphill, corner and finish. Sprint to finish, come on kick it out, push, push more, damn I just got passed by a 4 yr old right at the line. Damn it! I never wanted to trip a kid and her mother more in my whole life as I did right then. I didn't but man did I want to, I know it is hateful but just being truthful. Earlier in the race I had passed the duo and thought it was cute.  I hope she grows up, qualifies for Boston & wins Boston then I won't feel so bad! I finished in 1:18:34 which is 11:96 pace. Seeing as how I have never done a quarter marathon it is a PR. Yay! A sub 12:00 pace is a huge improvement for me. 
     So what's the point of this obnoxiously detailed post about my week? Some runs are just good, some are bad, and some are just ugly. The good push you forward. The bad pisses you off and question your ability. The ugly make you question your sanity and teeter on the edge of quit. So you can quit and wonder what if or you can dig deep go out on faith, push yourself to your limit & surpass your own expectations.
     Challenge yourself, push your limits and live fearlessly because we only get one life! 

Be Epic
Michelle

30 Days of Fearless

      So I'm in a closed online run group called the Inner Circle of Sole The leader of this band of female warriors is Brook Keder and she challenged us last week to 30 days of living fearlessly in addition to our OMG I'm scared witless physical goals we are chasing.

     One fearless act I chose to engage in was to have a tough conversation with the manager of the ICU I work in about what was working and/or not working. The 2nd was having a conversation with the clinical educator about all the new hires on orientation about to come off & the lack of experience on the unit. The 3rd was calling a doctor on his rude demeanor when receiving information on a patient from a nurse.  Although the conversations were a little tough they were by no means hard or requiring lots of courage.

     So this is my next act of fearless. Creating a blog and sharing my thoughts with who ever wants to read it. This to me requires more courage. Sharing my thoughts is scary and makes me feel vulnerable. I don't like feeling vulnerable but it takes strength to stand in it and share. So here it is.

     Running on the Edge is my blog. It will be about my journey to rebuilding life after the devastating loss of my husband, making better healthier choices, choosing to live and not sit on the sidelines. Some days it may be a rant, or a good cry, a great run, a terrible run or just holding onto sanity when I want to slide off the edge into the abyss of grief.   So read it or not, cheer or jeer, laugh or cry but for better or worse it is time to live and not just go through the motions! 

     We only get one life so live it with out regrets and BE EPIC!